|What have I been thinking?
||[Mar. 7th, 2005|10:40 pm]
I have really wanted to begin a deeper exploration of my thoughts. I have often thought that I felt pretty good about myself, fairly confident and comfortable in my own skin, and so on. But I've had to start to re-evaluate that because my actions seem to speak of a totally different story.
Would a person who really had a good, positive sense of self-worth do a lot of the things that I do? Put up with a lot of the crap that I do (and not from other people...I am only speaking of what I do to myself)?
For example, I have pretty much always worked low paying jobs where there is little or know chance for advancement. If I get deeply honest with myself I pretty much am always within what is considered a level of poverty. And I actually surprisingly don't think this is too bad a thing because I found I could be comfortable and content and happy...feel blessed by little things....EXCEPT that upon tracing back to what my thinking is I realize that the Reason why I work for so little money and at dead end jobs is because I have thought that I was not worth having a better job that I *truly* enjoyed and excelled at.
Success is not neccessarily money. But limiting yourself because you feel you do not deserve a job that will give one enjoyment...that is failure.
If I loved these jobs that paid so little I feel that would be fine. But the the actual thoughts behind why I work these jobs are so very different than that. So I feel compelled to change those thoughts so I can do what I truly feel I am capable and worthy of...and not just for myself, but so I can give and do more for others.
In the past I felt like the best thing I could do for others was to "get out of their way". I'd almost literally hide in a corner and not speak to anybody because I felt so invaluable that I thought for *me* to talk to anyone would be to "force" myself upon them and be an annoying nuisance no matter what I did or said. Now I know that all people have something to give and offer others that can benefit them...and to hide what I have to share is just as selfish as being pushy and forcing myself upon people and saying "Look at me." There is a balance, a middle ground.
This is just one area in which I am and have changed my thinking.